College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
