Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
