drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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