Jerry, you need to find god
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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