We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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