I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
