We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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