You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
