I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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