i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
