Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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