College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Barsexuality is the new black.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
