I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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