First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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