That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
