I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
