Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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