I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
