considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
