I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
