Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
