i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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