hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
