we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
