what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
