Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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