1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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