so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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