Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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