honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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