Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
