i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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