So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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