her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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