There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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