He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
