im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
