why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
