He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
