A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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