life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
