i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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