It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
