I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
