Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
