I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
