i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
