so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
