I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
