Apparently you make a good broom.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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