I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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